Vachon Imagined

In a world that can tell you it’s weak to be tired, weak to have needs, childish to want love, affection, and validation, I’ve had to learn something simple: having needs doesn’t make me weak. It makes me human.

Every time I write, I want validation. And oddly, not getting it has often taught me two important things: first, that I genuinely need and want it; and second, that I have a tendency to write toward what sells, what gets likes, what gets approval, not necessarily what I really think.

The first is harder for me to change because I don’t want to pretend I don’t need validation. I do. The second is easier to work on because I can’t write what I don’t yet see, feel, or know. And even if something gets me more likes, I don’t want to become someone who says what is rewarded instead of what is true.

I think the danger of not knowing ourselves, and not loving ourselves, is that we become ashamed of basic human needs. And when we’re ashamed of our needs, we become less able to recognize when they’re being violated, much less speak up about it.

This isn’t about starting a war or shaming people for not meeting our needs. It’s about being able to say, “Hey, I feel like I’m giving a lot and not getting my needs met.” That is a realistic and rational response to feeling used, overlooked, underappreciated, or taken for granted.

And no, this doesn’t have a gender. It’s human.

I have needs. You have needs. We all have a desire to be seen, loved, appreciated, and understood. And yes, we absolutely love it when someone says, “Yes. You’re right. I see you.”

But that’s not always what we get.

Sometimes we get people who ridicule us for wanting validation. And I wonder how much of that comes from people who have rejected that need in themselves, only to go on to seek it from others, demand it, or convince us that they have somehow earned or deserve what they refuse to acknowledge they need.

I haven’t always been good at saying, “This is what I need.” But I’ve gotten stronger at it. Less ashamed of it. And it took practice.

It took being okay with myself enough to admit that sometimes I need, not just want, my husband to tell me I’m beautiful, especially when I don’t see it in myself.

Sometimes I need to feel appreciated, particularly when I’m feeling underappreciated by a world that moves too quickly and expects me to simply assume that I’m valued.

So I say what I need.

And if someone is unwilling or unable to give it, I move on. I don’t keep returning to the same well, particularly when I’ve already communicated what I need and nothing changes.

Because self-love doesn’t mean becoming so self-sufficient that you no longer need anyone. It means knowing yourself well enough to tell the truth.

The truth is: I have needs.

You have needs.

Needing love, affection, reassurance, appreciation, or validation doesn’t make us weak. Pretending we don’t need them just to appear strong might actually take us further away from ourselves.

Loving yourself means being honest about what you need and having enough self-respect to stop asking for it from people who have already shown you they won’t give it.